i am here. i am whole.

i am here.

i am whole.

i am healing, and no one has the power to take that from me. -- alex elle


these last couple of weeks have been a serious roller coaster ride full of oh shit, I'm on cloud nine and Jesus, take the goddamn wheel! i have yet to find a happy medium while dealing with my depression but i'm beginning to figure out what works for me - this, being in the moment and just sitting in front of my laptop and purging all the negative energy out helps. hopping onto instagram stories and just talking as if i'm having a conversation with myself, helps. its seeing a DM pop up and having someone respond positively with zero shade to the raw honesty i provide, helps. i find that i'm not afraid in the least to be open and honest about what i'm fighting - i am an anxious, overthinking, depressed individual but most days i am THRIVING and other days i may feel low but i'm fighting against myself to make it back on top. 

i stumbled across poet/writer/gifted individual Alex Elle on instagram roughly 6 months ago and she always managed to post affirmations right when you need them - having a down day, *poof* alex elle uploads a photo on insta. she wrote, "i am here. i am whole. i am healing, and no one hast he power to take that from me". 

i am whole. 

i am here. 

yes, i battle my depression every. single. day and some days are harder than others but goddamn it if i don't try everyday to make myself better. i work hard to pick myself up by the boot straps and keep fighting because fighting is what i'm good at - i refuse to let this mental illness defeat me. 


"Today I affirm: to free myself from whatever is holding me back. I give myself permission to let go and move on without guilt." - alex elle. 

I stumbled across Alex Elle on instagram when I needed her soothing words the most. When I felt like the world was crashing down around me and things would never look up. Allow me to be unedited and so very honest,  lately i have been drowning in negativity. My personal, social, mental, emotional and all other aspects are just trending toward the red - its like CAUTION! CAUTION! please pay attention to this warning so you can get your life back on track..

I'm not sure what happened or when that sinking feeling started to creep back in but it has and while I've learned to feel and notice the warning signs so that I can begin correcting i sometimes need to allow myself to feel it. I need to hit this low point so that when I rise I can continue to show myself how much stronger I am. 

On days like today where it all feels too heavy. where staying at home sounds safer and a little bit easier. where shutting out the world stops me from feeling - i let it all in. i let the hurt, the despair and the crushing loneliness wash over me because i am learning how to free myself from ALL that is holding me back. As Alex Elle said, i'm learning how to give myself permission to let go and move on from these emotions.

My battle with depression will always be a constant work in progress but I can't and won't get better if i don't allow myself to recognize that its real. i won't get better if i don't allow myself to feel it all - even when it hurts : 

i am strong, because i have been weak.

i am fearless, because i have been afraid

i am wise, because i have been foolish.