Although life has not granted me scarcity in regard to the experiences of personal loss, death never becomes less of a mystery, and it is never any less cruel.

Originally I had planned on diving into today's #mentalmonday reflecting on where I've been and where I hope to get in regards to my mental health struggles but today took a pretty rough turn. 

One of the seniors I work with committed suicide yesterday it ignited multiple feelings within me. Some include: 

1. heartbreak

2. questioning

3. understanding

I have found that when we receive the news that someone we know or love has died our immediate reaction is sadness and heartbreak and occasionally we find solace in our anger. We're angry at how everything has turned out or pissed off at missing the warning signs - if there were any.

I have found that I'm not angry at her choices because while I have never gotten to the point where I could see this world without me in it, I can understand how someone can get to that point. I am sad that she thought life wasn't worth living anymore - that her presence wasn't felt every day by those around her. I can still hear her laughter and joy while playing ping pong and her Russian wit while hitting the staff with her zingers. Its heartbreaking and sad to know that I won't hear her voice anymore or see her walk through the door. She was a presence and my job feels a little quieter today, a little less alive and while I still catch myeslf looking at the door waiting for her to walk in and annouce herself I know she's at peace. 

If you or someone you know is struggling do not be afraid to reach out: