#MENTALMONDAY : depression, a hate story.

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Depression is not a punch line to a joke about life being too hard.

Its not sitting on the couch watching reruns of sex and the city while calling yourself antisocial. 

Depression isn't a bad day I can sleep on and wake up refreshed. 

Depression is perfectly timed smiles and laughs mixed in with perfected jokes that make those around me laugh even if inside it feels like I'm dying.

Depression is calling my mom at 3:30pm hoping she picks up because I just need to hear her voice - because being stuck in my head is terrifying and her voice soothes the noise in my head. 

It’s a loneliness words can’t commit to because having to explain it to someone hurts a little too much - how do we explain to the people we love that even when we're in a crowded room with them the loneliness still eats us alive?

Its waking up and laying in bed trying to figure out which Breana you're going to be today. 

But then, Its going home early because life is just too goddamn hard to participate in today. 

Its rinse and repeat because everyday is a gamble on what Breana i will get.

Finally, its begging for the good days to far outweigh the bad. 

Depression. It is a blank canvas that you can’t write on. It’s an anger you can’t express. Its a loneliess that wont go away no matter how much you beg. 

I guess, right now, Depression, is me.