I'm sitting here sipping my Pabst trying to figure out how to translate everything thats going on in my head onto this blank canvas. i'm struggling to find words that flow. words that make sense of the madness I've got going on.
words don't have to be pretty, they're supposed to be ugly. that means they're real.
My depression is rearing its ugly head tonight - that inky feeling of blackness is creeping in and I feel powerless to stop it. It's in that silence while I'm sitting on the couch pretending to watch Glow but I can't get my mind to focus because all I can think about is whether or not my husband still loves me.
he loves me. he loves me not. he loves me.
and then my mind falls further down the rabbit hole and i think back to a conversation i had with my ex co worker and i wonder if I'm truly that exhausting to be friends with - do i make it hard for people to love me because my mind doesn't work quite the same? or am i creating these thoughts in my head because i'm struggling to love myself right now?
I'm so thankful my "dark" days are becoming few and far between but sometimes I almost forget what it's like to feel low. and while tonight is my low night i know by hitting 'save & publish' i'll feel lighter. i already feel lighter after writing these words because i'm not letting the darkness win - i'm confronting it head on and opening the conversation.
I'm getting rid of the negative because i know the positives are trying to make their way back in.
I'll check back in on #mentalmonday.