Here I am. Alive. I woke up this morning and got out of bed. That felt heroic. Yet, right now I am staring at my prescription for antidepressants that I’m too afraid to turn into CVS because I’m not quite ready to admit the truth. The truth is, my depression is back but I guess you can say it never really leaves. It holds on like a bad cold - flares up at the most inconvenient times and some days it makes your head feel foggy while it drags you under. Most days I have the strength to fight it, to break through the surface and breathe. Those are the days I tuck that prescription back into my drawer and tell myself, '“you can do this”. But then, there are those days where I’m kicking and screaming trying to reach the surface and yet I can feel myself drowning - i can see my reflection reaching out a hand to pull me out but i can’t get my arms to lift. i’m trying and failing but all that matters is i’m trying right?
I keep picking up and putting down that prescription. I’m staring at the chicken scratch that’s supposed to be my lifeline and yet, i cant convince myself to get it filled. i’m not ready to admit that i can’t beat this on my own. i feel like a failure having to depend on a pill every day that keeps the darkness at bay. will it be admitting failure if i get it filled? will it make me feel less? will i become a shell of myself that’s depending on a pill to align my moods?
i’m not ready to be different but i’m beginning to accept that i am. i function differently and i used to think that was my super power - that i felt too much or not enough and there was never any in between.
my super power isn’t feeling too much or too little. its knowing when to allow myself to throw in the towel and admit i can’t fight this depression alone. but until then, i’m not ready.
maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow. but its there, i can hear it in the stillness of the room. its letting me know it’ll be there when i’m not ready. not today, but someday. and when that day comes it’ll be okay because it wont be accepting failure, it’ll be me recognizing i’m not in this fight alone.
everything will be ok.