5 years ago I was 21 on the verge of 22 and standing in front of my then fiance being told to say "i do". it was a whirlwind and a little bit crazy, i mean we officially announced our marriage on Facebook by casually posting a picture and letting people think what they wanted...the common thought process for everyone was, "is she pregnant". nah, i wasn't pregnant. i was just a young girl who was obsessed with her fiance and determined to prove everyone who said we wouldn't last wrong. looking back on that thought process i can understand how wrong i was and not because i didn't love him - i still do. i was wrong in getting married to prove something to someone else instead of focusing on the choice i was making for myself. it took me awhile, and a lot of soul searching to understand what marriage was and why most marriages fail - hello 50% divorce rate!
i grew up dreaming of the perfect spouse. i wanted the man who would rescue me and slay my many dragons - the man who would love me so unconditionally it would heal all the broken pieces inside of me. i can laugh about it now because i understand that i am my own dragon slayer, i am the person who has to love every broken piece inside of me in order to be the best version of myself and by recognizing that i'll eventually be considered someone who is safe to love.
marriage has been a roller coaster of emotions. it has been filled with incredible highs and heartbreaking lows, but it has also been the greatest learning experience of my life. i am learning how to love someone differently, i am learning how to love myself differently but mostly i'm learning how to not sabotage the relationships i have with the people who love me. i have had to dig deep and look inside myself and question whether or not i am adding value to his life. better yet, am i adding value to our life together? at 21 years old i was a baby signing up for a lifetime with someone before i even understood who i was as an independent woman. but through that life change i'm learning lessons through trial and error and i couldn't imagine learning them any other way.
so yes, i am a shit wife who's learning how to be better because i know we'll only get better from here. I see our future, spanning out so beautiful and messy before us, even when he's not right here next to me. I love him more. More than one would expect. More than is humanly possible. More than he loves me, which is an imbalance that I am okay with. Because giving him all of me does not weaken my spirit, but strengthen. Because there is only room for us to grow, together. Because loving with any less than all of me would be a waste. Because he is mine, and I am not afraid to fall into that. To fall into him.