When I was in 6th grade I started cutting myself with a compass that should've been used to solve equations yet i used it to watch the emotions, a mix between absolute desperation and a whole lot of sadness bleed out from my skin. It was fascinating that in a moment of extreme sadness I was able to channel all of the anger and hostility i felt towards myself and watch it drip on the bathroom tile. Seeing the red - a sure sign I was still alive on the ground gave me this immediate sense of lightness, how for just a moment I understood what it felt like to feel nothing and in that nothingness the one thing I craved the most came - silence.
There is nothing beautiful or poetic about self harm but it's where my story begins, while now its easy to string sentences together and have the words wrap around me like a shield a few years ago I couldn't even form a coherent thought to help those around me understand what it felt like to be in my shoes. While 6th grade was where my dabble into self harm began, 9th grade is where it ended. I stopped cutting myself because I found a new outlet. I began to write. I started putting words on paper as the stories swirled around in my head, I watched as my favorite characters fell in love in the world I made up, I watched my characters experience a future I didn't want to live to see. I was finally in control of something in my life and it made me feel invincible, until i wasn't.
I floated through high school, never stopping long enough for the madness to catch up to me but you know what they say, you can't outrun life. Life came at me fast my senior year, and what a year it was. It was a year of incredible highs and painful lows. I lost friends, gained friends, found myself and then lost myself. It was the emptiest year I had, while the world around me kept moving I felt stuck. Stuck in my pain, stuck in my own misery and i felt like no one could lift me up. I was drowning and those who surrounded me had no idea. How could they? I laughed, I partied, I loved and my god I loved so hard yet I still felt unlovable and empty. It all came to a head when I almost committed the ultimate tragedy in my story - death. I felt like this world took so much out of me I was already dead so why not end it all. I am here today because I decided against ending my story and that's where my semicolon comes in..
A semicolon is used when a sentence could've ended but the author chose not to. I realized after I spent some time on the suicide hotline that I am the author in my story and I get to decide where I go from here. I could've died 10 years ago on my bedroom floor but I didn't.
I chose to keep living. I chose to keep experiencing everything this life has to offer.
I gave myself a reminder that is inked on my skin forever to tell myself how strong I am. Living when i felt like dying is strength and my semicolon is proof that even when my mind is fuzzy and the world feels like its closing in on me, I am the author in this story and I am choosing to keep my sentence going.
I'm Breana and the semicolon is me in its rawest form. I chose to erase the period I wanted to use and put a semicolon in its place because i'm not quite done with my time here. I'm going to keep living and honestly, that's beautiful.