I enjoy pursuing through social media to see what my close friends, family and distant friends are up to. But occasionally there are days where social media sucks the soul out of me and doesn't want to give it back - those days are the hardest. I stumbled across a distant friends "whats on your mind today" post about suicide being selfish and I could feel all the blood drain out of my face and pool in the pit of my stomach. I was angry - it was like this red haze was washing over me and I was powerless to stop it. People who don't understand suicide and those who are suicidal love to be loud and wrong:
"Only selfish people commit suicide"
"I could never leave my family or friends behind"
"Get better counseling if you want to die"
"S/He couldn't handle life so they just quit."
What if I told you that those who suffer from suicidal thoughts aren't thinking about the family or friends who love them - or even those who they'll leave behind. What if I told you there's this pain that lives inside of us and we're just looking for way to make it stop? What if i told you there is a chaos that swirls inside of us slowly swallowing us whole and the only way to turn it off is to walk away from it all. Those thoughts are not mutually exclusive to all, some people can turn off the chaos and sadness, some can reach out and ask for help but others are too far gone and they're ready to end it all because anything is better than being here.
There is nothing selfish about suicide. You cannot compare your struggle to someone else's. Our journey through this life is different for a reason, how i handle the chaos and the pain is different than how someone else will handle theirs. There were days when I was sitting on the bathroom floor and dying felt easier than continuing to live. Where the darkness and chaos inside of my head felt so thick I was literally drowning in my own sadness. Depression is real and this disease will chew me up and spit me out until I am begging for it to all go away, for the noise inside my head to quiet down long enough that i can feel the hope on the other side.I It was when the noise quieted down I decided to stand up and reach out for someone to help me because I realized I couldn't fight this battle alone anymore, but not for one minute do I not sympathize and understand those who can't or those who aren't ready to let the world into their problems.
Suicide isn't selfish and sometimes people see it as the only option. Before you belittle someones choice to end their suffering because they felt like they couldn't see the brightness on the other side understand that their journey is different than ours and the only thing you can do today is to reach out if you feel like someone is suffering, offer quiet support because in those debilitating moments of darkness, your support might be the light that guides them home.