Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.
Throughout this strange and sometimes awful struggle with depression I have learned that its okay to ask for help. It's okay to allow myself to be vulnerable - more so than normal. Its okay to do something you would normally never do - reach out on twitter and ask the people who follow you to extend their hands to pray for you. I don't like to ask for things from people I don't know but sometimes you need the extra coverage, just a few people around you who are willing to send out a prayer during your time of need. When I sent out those tweets i began to reflect on the ins and outs of my therapy journey. How picking up the phone for the first time to ask for help was the hardest call I had to make. I had to go outside of my protective bubble to understand that I couldn't climb my way out of the darkness without help. I found a network that worked for me - a woman who allows me to have a meltdown and gives me coping mechanisms that don't involve alcohol or binge eating.
I used to believe that seeking therapy was embarrassing - admitting i had struggles wasn't something i was used to. i always assumed i could work through my issues by myself or with my partner but last year i hit a wall. I sunk so far into my dark place I couldn't figure out where real life started and make believe ended. I contemplated ending it all because I was sick and tired of hurting and not understanding why i was hurting so bad. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how my struggle would ever go away or whether i would wake up one morning and not feel like i was physically stuck in the bed because getting out felt like a hurdle i couldn't jump.
I say all that to say, therapy saved my life.
I will always tell people to do your research on therapists, call you insurance company and see if they cover it and if they do (or find a therapist that works with a payment plan) sit in that chair and unload - the freedom you will gain is like nothing you can explain. I leave every session lighter because I unpack my baggage and leave it all on the floor when my hour is up. To my therapist - thank you. This last year has been nothing short of amazing, you have given me a new lease on life and the coping skills i need to make it through the hard days. thank you, thank you, thank you. you changed my life and i am lucky to have sat down in your chair.