healthy, not sickly.

"wow, you are literally wasting away." 

" i liked you better when you were a little bigger" 

"where'd your butt go?"

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When has it ever been okay to make ridiculous comments about a woman's body --> that's a loaded question that we wont dig into yet but lets put it on our TBW (to be written) list at a later date. 

Let's get something super duper straight - I am healthy, not sick. I am losing weight, not wasting away. I am slowly getting my body and fitness on track, no longer allowing my depression to win. 

Normally I ignore comments like these and let things roll off my back but enough is enough, I am so tired of people questioning why I'm on this healthy journey instead of just applauding the hard work I've been putting in. I have worked tirelessly at bettering myself and I'll be damned if I let someone's comment ruin my day but because I have received quite a few of them lately I figured this is the best platform to address them. 

At my heaviest I weighed in at 198, couldn't see my ankles and my  knees were morphing into my thighs and lets not even get started on my goddamn body fat percentage. But that's just cosmetic shit that a diet would no doubt fix. The underlying reason I let myself go was because I was at my lowest and darkest point - I was literally contemplating dying every fucking day, it was easier to eat, sleep and avoid the outside world because I didn't know whether or not I wanted to be a part of it. At 198lbs I didn't care whether I lived or died. It took my closest cousin asking me to join a workout class with her that had me seeing things a little different - it was taking my shirt off in a sterile white room for photos that had me questioning what in the hell i was doing to myself. Physically I was disgusted with myself but mentally I was tired, I was tired of teetering the edge of living and I was fighting, fighting to bring myself back from the edge and remind myself why I wanted to keep living. Living takes courage no matter what way you slice it and I wanted to live. 

I channeled all my sadness and desperation into those 4x a week workout classes, I started taking control over what I wanted to look like - i didn't want to look like a specific person I just wanted to look and feel happy. I wanted to look like Breana - but happier.

I say all of that to say this, I may seem like i have it all together but sometimes I lose it and some days are rough - before you open your mouth to make a comment ask yourself how it will be received, if the person I'm speaking to has a fragile hold on their mental health will my comment trigger them? All I ask is be mindful of the comments you make to those around you. 

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never be too tired to do what you love.

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I have always kind of floated here and there, slowly trying to figure out what space I want to occupy with my time, what direction I wanted to go in and what creative idea I wanted to explore more. It wasn't until my very wise mother asked me how I was doing (i'm gonna pretend she meant mentally AND physically for the purpose of this piece) and I answered her as vaguely as i could without worrying her, "tired. really fucking tired" and of course, my moms generation has a weird dislike for anything millennial related so she looked at me like all mothers do and rolled her eyes while saying, "you kids today are always tired. we were tired back then but we loved what we did. your generation is missing that love." that stuck with me  because for once my ears were open wide enough to understand and 

take what she was giving me. my mom in a roundabout way was telling me we should never be too tired to do what we love. i left my moms house ready to write down things that make me truly happy and things I enjoy doing. after writing my list i realized i couldn't remember the last time i truly took time out of my day to focus on things that made me happiest - reading, writing, shooting. without realizing it i got "too tired" and too complacent in the way my life was going i stopped working hard at the things that gave me the most joy. I understand life gets hard but i don’t want to look back on my life and realize I missed out on what makes me happy simply because I was “too tired” from life’s occasional pile of shit i stepped in. so i left my moms house that afternoon itching for more adventures, to make my calendar as full as possible with new and exciting moments and adventures, to continue shooting photos and firing up final cut pro and Photoshop to work on the craft that i have loved from afar for too long.

My moms words of wisdom may have lit a small fire under my ass but make no mistakes, I have days were I am nothing but completely exhausted, where i am bone tired from working two jobs and remembering to focus on my fitness. I have come to realize, its much more enjoyable to remember the important things in life - like the trips i've taken or the  photos i've edited that tell a story of a well lived life. i want to look back on all these moments and realize how worth it those tired days are from really and truly living life. If i'm spending so much time dwelling over being so tired, imagine how much time i could have being happy.

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no, you can't touch my hair.

New day, new hair color! I have no idea how this color came about. The only thing I remember is telling Ash (my stylist) that I was thinking about going hot pink and if we could actually achieve it while holding onto the integrity of my hair (there will be a more in depth blog post regarding hair care and a sit down with the stylist herself to answer any questions) I went from a faded purple/lilac to a holy shit that is pink and I'm still getting used to it but ugh I am so over people offering their opinions - especially when I didn't ask for them. I;m used to the blatant stares, they're to be expected when you see woman walking around rocking hot pink hair people are going to look - its natural BUT going up to someone you don't know whilst reaching out your hand as if you are going to stroke my hair and then making weird statements like, "wow, pink. your so brave." "i wonder if she has a job" "how does your boss like that hair color"...well let me break it down for you. 

1. no, you cannot touch my hair so back up.

2. pink is cool. and i've been blue, green and purple so pink is tame. 

3. yes, i do have a job. i've held down my job for almost 4 years with zero complaints. didn't know my hair color could stop me from doing my job! 

4. my boss thinks its amazing and always appreciates how i keep her on her toes when it comes to my hair. 

jokes aside. WHY is it ok to shame someone or make snide comments while standing behind them in coffee shops about the decisions they make? is my hair suddenly going to stop you from being able to perform your daily duties? is my hair distracting you from telling the barista your coffee order? do you know something about my boss' inner most thoughts regarding my hair that i don't? 

what happened to allowing people to think and feel for themselves? allowing people to be whoever they want to be  - pink, purple, blue or green. im allowed to be whoever it is i choose to be and you're not allowed to shame me into thinking i should be anything different. so please, dont touch my hair or even make a comment about it because that hot pink hair is on MY head, not yours. 

little black dress.

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This weekend the time finally came to celebrate finishing the Little Black Dress Challenge strong. I spoke briefly about it in a post 2 weeks ago and the fun news is - I WON THE CHALLENGE! I actually did what I set out to do. On the first day of the challenge during a wall sit I looked over to the woman sitting next to me and said, "I'm winning this challenge. In 6 weeks they'll be announcing me as the winner." and damn, I did it. I was able to put on a SIZE SMALL dress and while it wasn't as tight as it could be I still felt unstoppable and downright beautiful in my own skin. I feel like that was the true winning moment. Its been a hard fought road to get here but I made it and I'm going to keep working the weight off and focusing on living the most healthy lifestyle I can. 

The best part of winning the challenge was being able to buy a new dress, get my hair curled, mani and pedi AND get my makeup done as part of my "makeover". It was an amazing feeling to be rewarded with a self care day to celebrate the hardwork I put in during the last 6 weeks. What a jorueny, literally. I am feeling better, more confident and overall healthier and I'm so excited to keep pushing myself to see how much better my body gets. 

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Little Black Dress

WhoWhatWear x Target

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