healthy, not sickly.

"wow, you are literally wasting away." 

" i liked you better when you were a little bigger" 

"where'd your butt go?"

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When has it ever been okay to make ridiculous comments about a woman's body --> that's a loaded question that we wont dig into yet but lets put it on our TBW (to be written) list at a later date. 

Let's get something super duper straight - I am healthy, not sick. I am losing weight, not wasting away. I am slowly getting my body and fitness on track, no longer allowing my depression to win. 

Normally I ignore comments like these and let things roll off my back but enough is enough, I am so tired of people questioning why I'm on this healthy journey instead of just applauding the hard work I've been putting in. I have worked tirelessly at bettering myself and I'll be damned if I let someone's comment ruin my day but because I have received quite a few of them lately I figured this is the best platform to address them. 

At my heaviest I weighed in at 198, couldn't see my ankles and my  knees were morphing into my thighs and lets not even get started on my goddamn body fat percentage. But that's just cosmetic shit that a diet would no doubt fix. The underlying reason I let myself go was because I was at my lowest and darkest point - I was literally contemplating dying every fucking day, it was easier to eat, sleep and avoid the outside world because I didn't know whether or not I wanted to be a part of it. At 198lbs I didn't care whether I lived or died. It took my closest cousin asking me to join a workout class with her that had me seeing things a little different - it was taking my shirt off in a sterile white room for photos that had me questioning what in the hell i was doing to myself. Physically I was disgusted with myself but mentally I was tired, I was tired of teetering the edge of living and I was fighting, fighting to bring myself back from the edge and remind myself why I wanted to keep living. Living takes courage no matter what way you slice it and I wanted to live. 

I channeled all my sadness and desperation into those 4x a week workout classes, I started taking control over what I wanted to look like - i didn't want to look like a specific person I just wanted to look and feel happy. I wanted to look like Breana - but happier.

I say all of that to say this, I may seem like i have it all together but sometimes I lose it and some days are rough - before you open your mouth to make a comment ask yourself how it will be received, if the person I'm speaking to has a fragile hold on their mental health will my comment trigger them? All I ask is be mindful of the comments you make to those around you. 

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