10 years ago i tried to kill myself.
as i type these words i can still feel the sadness that radiated through my body. it was the type of sadness that turned my body numb, it was like being stuck in the dentists chair high on Novocaine. i was your typical 17 year old girl, funny, had friends, went to parties and did hood rat shit yet i still felt suffocated by my loneliness. it was in those moments after the parties ended and friends went home the silence became deafening..coming home from school and having it all feel too much. i felt like too much.
why would anyone believe the girl who had everything but felt like she had nothing, absolutely nothing to live for?
could you imagine having to sit down at the kitchen table to explain to your mother who sacrificed so much for you that you were struggling to find reasons why you should live? trying to explain to her why those sacrifices felt wasted on you? explain to the woman who loves you most yet you still felt unlovable. accepting how much it would hurt your family but you just couldn't push through it - the emotional pain just couldn't let you out of its grasp.
that night is still fresh in my mind. there i was..sitting on my bedroom floor - sweatpants and a t-shirt on, MTV blaring in the background, notes written out and pills in hand yet i felt stuck - i couldn't get my hand to cooperate enough to get the pills to my mouth. i felt trapped between stay or go..fight or flight. i desperately needed to talk and maybe i needed someone to give me a reason to stay, so i picked up my room phone and dialed...
a young man picked up and said, "i'm here" and it felt like i could finally breathe. he sat on that phone for over an hour as i released the pain through tears and the unspoken words. he didn't speak, he didn't ask questions. he let me cry. he felt my pain. he didn't interrupt it and he didn't tell me my pain wasn't valid. he sat in silence and listened. and when i felt my tears dry up it was like he knew his job was done. i wish i knew his name because at my lowest moment he held me together, and i truly believe that phone call changed my life.
i say all that to say this, we deserve to live, to smile, to laugh, to be free. we deserve a life that is meaningful, a life without regrets and to know that this life is SO full of love. we will no longer allow the pain and sadness to take over our lives, we'll reach out for help, talk to our friends, pick up that phone and dial the hotline if it ever feels too much. we'll breathe and know that indescribable sadness will pass because,