what my loneliness has taught me.

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I have always traveled in a pack of one, i found it easier to be alone because i spent less time explaining myself to people and less time forcing myself into social situation that didn't serve a purpose for me. over the last couple of years i have gone out of my way to try and find social situations to insert myself into, get out of my comfort zone and try something new but my biggest change was getting married. i went from a pack of one to having a built in best friend for the rest of my life until i didn't.

you see, my husband travels, a lot. in 2017 i spent roughly 9 out of 12 months alone and in 2018 i'll most likely spend just as much alone. i hate to complain because i see army wives and husbands who watch their loved ones go off for deployment for years and yet i can barely handle 9 months. i found myself getting so angry at being the person who was constantly left behind at home, left to figure it the fuck out while my partner was in a different country with a different time zone and barely speaking to me, or bitter as i listened to him explain the other countries he got visit while i was stuck here, doing nothing.

my loneliness forced me to dig deep within myself and learn who i was, teaching me how to search for everything within you. It taught me how to become my own person away from the noise of others, the noise of my spouse. It taught me how to find my own voice and if im lucky, i can finally listen to that voice and go after the things that matter most, the things that could change my life around. 

For the longest time, I didn’t understand loneliness, i viewed it as a weakness i was embarrassed by but im beginning how it shaped me and the person it made me, I’m beginning to appreciate it. I understand that loneliness won’t go away. It’s not an enemy and i accept it, in all honesty i'm learning how to embrace it. 

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