what is your why?


Happy International Women's Day! I'm blessed to be a woman and black every day but today is extra special because I get to introduce you to Catherine Buccello who interviewed me recently for her blog BarbieTenderAdventure. We discussed what it meant to be a woman in a 9-5 office setting with bright hair, tattoos and piercings, over the course of our 30-45 minute interview I was able to get comfortable enough to discuss my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety while also explaining my hopes/dreams for my future and the next generation. At the end of the interview Catherine asked, "what is your why?". I'll be honest when I say I stopped cold. I have never been asked why. Why do I work a 9-5 and then come home and do blog work, why am I so open with my struggle with depression. While I was able to gather my wits and toss out a semi thought out answer I realized I needed to expand on it. I needed people to understand exactly why I do what I do. 

I wake up every morning despite how dark the world can be, despite knowing that some days are so goddamn rough getting out of bed hurts - physically, mentally and emotionally. I get out of the bed and the talk through my issues because when I was 17 I tried to kill myself. The darkness tried to take me out and I chose to reach out and ask for help. My why is me. Everyday I remind myself what it felt like to hit rock bottom, what it felt like to fall apart and decide that, that was the day I would end all the pain and suffering. Thank god I didn't. I lived. The 17 year girl decided to live and that was the moment my why was born. 

My depression does not define me, but it is part of who I am. My depression is part of what makes me human. My depression has made me who I am. And while it makes some days excruciatingly hard, my depression makes me appreciate the days that I am happy, and the people I truly love. My depression is scary and desperate but it is mine and I will own it. It will not own me.

What is your why?

My why is, living.