remember on first dates back in high school you thought you were 'woke' if you asked the guy or gal sitting across from you, "whats your biggest fear?" and most of the time they answered "death." and the conversation was deemed to heavy so you moved onto safer topics about number of sexual partners or they're favorite quality in a partner - I was always the morbid date who was very interested in why people always picked death. are they afraid of not living a fulfilled life? or is it something a little deeper - afraid of how they die or when. I have always been candid about my battle with depression and attempting suicide 10 years ago so it shouldn't come as any bit of a surprise that I was never the girl who said 'death' on dates.
I was never afraid to die - I was always afraid to live.
It took me until I hit 25 to truly understand how much this world had to offer me if I tried. I stopped waking up every morning dreading that I still existed and I stopped letting the fear of living win. Its tough waking up in a world you constantly dream of never being a part of BUT then something switches and you start to see the beauty in the struggle.
Fear is complex and debilitating but it doesn't have to win. I could've let the fear of living through my struggle 10 years ago and ended it all but I wouldn't be able to see myself at this stage of my life - I am happy (most days) and by god I am fucking thriving. I am meeting people, reconnecting with people and I'm reconnecting and growing into myself and becoming the woman I never would've dreamed of.
I never wanted to make it past 18.
I'm 28 and I am alive. More than alive, I'm LIVING.