please don't call me antisocial.

I have to start this post off with a bang because DO NOT CALL ME ANTISOCIAL. I am far from antisocial but I do have debilitating anxiety in social situations - it ain't cute and it has nothing to do with me disliking people and everything to do with feeling as if a 2 ton elephant is sitting on my chest as I search out the nearest exit. I have always been bothered at how glib people online are when they describe anxiety or depression. It's always like, "i cured my depression by drinking water" "i cured my anxiety by staying off my phone at night". Nah, that isn't even half the work you have to put in to so call cure yourself of a mental illness. Water is great - I like my water ice cold with a specific shaped cube (we all know certain ice cubes taste better than others) but I also know that no amount of water will cure my depression or anxiety. It is a debilitating mental illness but its mine and I manage it the best way I know how but I digress. 

I find that people immediately put me in this box and mark it 'anti social' when in reality the moment I am put into a social situation my mind starts running non stop of the exits in the building and mentally preparing myself for conversation - i have practiced conversations in the bathroom mirror just to prepare myself for what questions i may be asked. how insane is that? i use these tricks to keep my anxiousness down but sometimes i feel better sitting in the corner and reading my book - i'm not ignoring you but i'm trying to find a way to calm myself down without running for the exit I've already scoped out on my first look at the room. 

so, now that i've literally rambled non stop i'm gonna wrap this up by saying i'm not antisocial in all honesty i'm looking for a way to be social without sending myself running for the exit as fast as i can. i excel is small groups and intimate settings and i sink in big crowds surrounded by people i don't know that well but i'm working on it because shit i want to go to Coachella in the future, i want to take part in big ass events and not feel like i'm drowning while desperately trying to keep myself afloat. as i always say, i am a constant work in progress so i won't be too hard on myself. 

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