Let's be real. I thought I'd be an elementary or middle school teacher right now. I would be molding young minds and pushing them out into the world and yet, I am now sitting at my desk churning out blog posts while quite literally trying to keep my head above water. There were a lot of thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head thanks to good ‘ole depression and anxiety. They love to make themselves known. The loudest, most terrifying voice was this:
I am not who I want to be.
So what do you do when you’re sitting at home in front of your computer and you're attempting to write a profound blog post surrounding how much your 20's suck and BOOM! you suddenly realize you aren't where you thought you would be in life, and that sense of failure is like a noose around your neck slowly drowning you in the expectations you had for your life.
My first step to understand WHY i felt this way was an attempt to find some sort of understanding. Why did I want to be where I wasn’t? Why did I feel like I deserved to be there? This was the hardest part. I couldn’t identify why I wanted to be a teacher, mostly because I had never thought of it that way. I just assumed it would eventually happen and when it didn't it felt like my entire world was a lie. I mean, I can remember clear as day the amount of times I told people I'd be a teacher someday because I wanted to follow in my favorite 2nd grade teachers footsteps and I remember when she said, "I don't see that in your future." I was heartbroken but headstrong that I would do it anyway to pay homage to a woman who shaped me. Now I sit here and reflect, I'm not sitting in a classroom, I'm not Ms. Breana and there's a piece of me that feels like I failed that 2nd grade teacher I wanted to make proud but I'm beginning to understand she saw a different life plan that I had blinders on for.
I think we live in an age where we’re told a lot of our dreams are possible if we want them and that’s incredible. But sometimes they’re not, we look to social media to help us decide what our lives are supposed to look like and then feel crushed when it doesn't turn out quite the way we had hoped. We see the beautiful bloggers and Instagram models who look as if they are living the dream and we begin to compare their lives to ours and find ways to pick away at the progress and hard work we've done because it doesn't look as rosy as theirs. There lives are no different than mine, they deal with the same shit I do and while they're better at perfecting their feed to match what people want to see, I'm still figuring it all out and that's okay.