I stepped on the scale at my moms house yesterday and I am officially down 29lbs. Shocker. I mean, I am truly shocked that I lost 29lbs and yet this is the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my skin. People tell me how great I look and how proud I must be at the way my body has transformed but if we're being honest I'm terrified. I'm scared of every piece of food or drink I consume, I stare at my body and pick it apart while standing in front of our full length mirror. I look at my fupa and feel a sense of hatred towards it. I count calories, I analyze every single meal before I eat it and worst of all I feel guilty before I sit down and have a meal with family or friends because I think about this 'diet' that I've put myself on.
According to my childhood therapist, I have an "addictive personality" which I should know considering I have two addicts for parents but what that means is once I commit myself to something like losing weight or getting healthier I go all in and occasionally it becomes an a very real and very scary addiction. I knew I was going downhill the moment I started to weigh myself everyday, my scale became my gatekeeper of happiness. Gain a pound? Angry. Lose a pound? Angry. I wanted so desperately to stay the same and while I'm glad to have lost some of my weight and gotten a lot healthier I traded one unhealthy addiction (food/booze) for another. I always assumed by losing weight I would gain a sense of happiness, I would regain the pieces of myself I lost along the way. I didn't. If anything, I've begun to lose a little more of myself - physically and mentally.
Every day I look in that full length mirror and compare myself to the girl I was the previous day. I ask questions, "do my thighs look bigger" "should i be eating this much protein" "i shouldn't eat carbs today because i ate them yesterday". I went from allowing myself to enjoy life to restricting myself.
It took a come to Jesus moment for me to realize i needed to lose the scale and the measuring tape. I needed to stop looking for problem areas where there are none. I am curvy as hell with a booty and thighs to match. My stomach may never be on flat but my body fat % is down, my doctor is proud and so am I. I've come a very long way and while my relationship with my body is a constant struggle I'm looking forward to treating it with a little more care. Allowing myself to be free, to skip a workout, enjoy vacation without guilt. My body will continue to evolve and I need to learn how to accept that. The best thing I can do is to continue to treat myself with care, workout when I want to and eat without needing to step on the scale everyday.