never be too tired to do what you love.

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I have always kind of floated here and there, slowly trying to figure out what space I want to occupy with my time, what direction I wanted to go in and what creative idea I wanted to explore more. It wasn't until my very wise mother asked me how I was doing (i'm gonna pretend she meant mentally AND physically for the purpose of this piece) and I answered her as vaguely as i could without worrying her, "tired. really fucking tired" and of course, my moms generation has a weird dislike for anything millennial related so she looked at me like all mothers do and rolled her eyes while saying, "you kids today are always tired. we were tired back then but we loved what we did. your generation is missing that love." that stuck with me  because for once my ears were open wide enough to understand and 

take what she was giving me. my mom in a roundabout way was telling me we should never be too tired to do what we love. i left my moms house ready to write down things that make me truly happy and things I enjoy doing. after writing my list i realized i couldn't remember the last time i truly took time out of my day to focus on things that made me happiest - reading, writing, shooting. without realizing it i got "too tired" and too complacent in the way my life was going i stopped working hard at the things that gave me the most joy. I understand life gets hard but i don’t want to look back on my life and realize I missed out on what makes me happy simply because I was “too tired” from life’s occasional pile of shit i stepped in. so i left my moms house that afternoon itching for more adventures, to make my calendar as full as possible with new and exciting moments and adventures, to continue shooting photos and firing up final cut pro and Photoshop to work on the craft that i have loved from afar for too long.

My moms words of wisdom may have lit a small fire under my ass but make no mistakes, I have days were I am nothing but completely exhausted, where i am bone tired from working two jobs and remembering to focus on my fitness. I have come to realize, its much more enjoyable to remember the important things in life - like the trips i've taken or the  photos i've edited that tell a story of a well lived life. i want to look back on all these moments and realize how worth it those tired days are from really and truly living life. If i'm spending so much time dwelling over being so tired, imagine how much time i could have being happy.

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there is no time limit for healing.

You heal—one piece, one fragment, one crack at a time—because you can, because you deserve to.
— Marisa Donelly

2017 was the year I told myself it was time to be honest about my depression and accept that it is and always will be a part of me, but instead of using it as a crutch to keep me a prisoner in my mind i needed to let the pain in and begin to heal. I realized you can't force yourself to heal or speed up the process, you have to break yourself apart and begin stitching yourself back together. I am in the process of this madness. I am slowly but surely breaking myself piece by piece and finding out who i am and what i need to work on in order to become the best version of myself. its a messy process and sometimes i take a peek at her in the mirror and get confused at the person who is staring back at me because i can't seem to recognize her but i know i'm beginning to love her. i'm recognizing and processing the childhood trauma, i'm letting it all in and i'm letting it break me apart so we can work on putting me back together. 

Healing is a process. A process we sometimes feel guilty for as emotions we don’t like come to the surface. But it’s those emotions that are essential to moving on and at 27 i'm finally ready to open up myself and heal so i can move on and become better instead of bitter. 

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